Padma Lakshmi for Hardee's

Now, I'm vegan, so y'all have to help me out: Isn't this how you're supposed to eat a cheeseburger? You sit on a stoop, hike up your dress, spread your legs and devour that thing like you haven't seen food since Clinton was President. Just like Clinton, that cheeseburger won't tell you it loves you, and won't even think of calling you the next day. And, just like Clinton, the cheeseburger left behind a little memento on her dress.

(And you all think I can't make fun of liberals! Personally, I think Clinton was the best President of the modern era, but a spade's a spade: he was far from a faithful husband...)

But on a serious note, women like Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi OBVIOUSLY don't eat things like cheeseburgers. (Those things add up...in the wallet, the waistline, AND the major arteries...) Hardee's is not catering to their demographic. This should be an obese construction worker sitting on the sidewalk with sauce dripping all over his left moob which is poking out of his overalls. Way sexier.